// CONNECTION
How to Stop Drifting Apart

Let’s talk about something that affects every marriage, but is something we can overcome together if we’re intentional and aware.

Drift. The slow, silent killer of marriages.

Life has a way of pulling at us and wearing us down. Distracting us and keeping us busy and in a constant state of mild overwhelm.

A couple of years ago, we picked up a new puppy. The home we picked her up from was in chaos. It was pretty clean and tidy, but the amount of activity and things happening was frantic. The window of time to pick up the dog was small because of all the extracurricular activities the kids had to attend. I thought, "When do you guys have the energy and time to truly connect?"

Life has seasons of busyness, sure. But drift is so common because we say yes to too many things and we fail to prioritise our marriage. Instead of making time for one another, our time together is often squeezed in the gap between other things.

I think most marriages exist in a state of mild disconnection... at best.

But drift is not a death sentence. We can do something about it. The first step is to recognise it and notice how it affects our level of connection and intimacy.

What pulls you apart? Is it busyness, overwhelm, technology, complexity, poor distrubution of chores, tiredness or just lack of time together? Maybe it's a combo or something different.

If you can see the problem you can begin to work towards fixing it. But:

The standard 'fixes' don't work.

To fix our personal emotional tiredness, we often turn towards a range of mostly unhealthy options. People use different kinds of escape. We sit in front of the TV, laptop or phone and scroll or binge-watch shows we kinda-like. We self-medicate with alcohol or gaming so our soul can defrag enough to cope with the next day.

This, then, impacts our marriage because we’re not connecting. There’s little intentionality. We do what we can to scrape by, but our marriage gets the leftovers at the end of the day or week.

We can feel guilty for our emotional distance or lack of energy in the relationship. Some people whisk their spouse away for lavish weekends of expensive meals and passionate sex to try and shorten the distance between their hearts and make up for their lack of regular connecting. Or they buy significant, costly gifts to express lots of love at once.

Why doesn't it work?

Most solutions people use can actually exacerbate the problem, distancing them even more from their spouse. The trip away, for example, attempts to quickly fill up the gaps, but it's like cramming for an exam. You can't replace regular quality time with a sudden rush of quantity time. Often it is a stopgap, a bandaid, a 'romantic weekend' to solve all their problems. It's not a replacement for regular time together and it won’t have the same lasting effect.

So when you get home, you go back to life as usual and you still feel disconnected.

(FYI - We're all for regular weekends away. Our speaking and travel schedule has ironically created a lot of extra time for us to connect. So, yes, take each other away. Yes, do it regularly. But don't do it to mask your problems and pretend they aren't still there when you get home.)

So, here's the core of the solution:

Lean towards one another in every season.

When we sense the disconnection, there's always a decision we have to make. "Will I move towards my spouse in this moment?"

Regardless of the state you're in, the level of overwhelm, the exact context or your level of tiredness or disconnection, we always get the decision to move towards them or not.

So make the choice to lean towards one another... every single day... no matter the season, situation or how you're feeling in the moment.

Do it. Even right now.

How can you lean towards your spouse right now? Even if they're not responding in kind.

The Gottman Institute provides an excellent understanding of this. "Turning towards starts with paying attention." Notice when your spouse is turning towards you and respond in kind. It might be small, like a kiss on the cheek or an offer to sit with them and watch TV. Or it might be bigger, like an invitation to help them resolve something, or going on a date night, or debriefing the day together.

Life pulls at us. And generally, it's in the other direction. So if we're moving parallel, it's not really enough. We need to be living in a continual lean towards one another. Don't settle for parallel. These aren't train tracks that never separate. We're living lives that are dynamic and have lots of invisible forces at play, such as work pressure, financial strain, relationship conflict, unmet expectations, sickness, kids, teenagers(!), ageing parents, maintaining friendships, etc.

Who loves a good visual? ✋ Click the post below and swipe across to see it.

Decide to live life leaning towards each other. Forward this to your spouse right now and talk about how you can.

What might work for you?

Chat with your spouse about it and discuss using any combination of the following:

• Date Night once a week/fortnight

• Debriefing the day over a tea/wine/beverage

• Booking nights out to sit on the lounge and just chat

• A weekend away, regularly.

• A tech-free night once a week

• A Sunday night check-in about the week ahead.

• Scheduling sex (not unromantic, making it a priority)

• A different rhythm of connection that works for both of you.

The big question is: How can we be more intentional about our connection? How can we offset the drift that is inevitable?

Want to get even more intentional? Click the button below.

// TRY THIS
Do a Daily Lean-In for 7 Days

Try a 5-10 minute, distraction-free moment every day for a week. Put your phones in another room, lock yourself away from the kids (if you can!) and sit down where you can face each other or are next to one another on the lounge.

Ask one another how you’re doing. What are their biggest pressure points right now? Is there anything you can do to help? How can we stay connected through this thing?

// STOP THE DRIFT
Date Night Questions

• What could we start doing to keep us better connected?

• What should we continue doing to keep us better connected?

• What's the vision for our relationship?

• How connected do we want to be in our marriage?

• What does it look like 10-20 years from now?

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