Feeling tired, foggy, or not yourself?

Trainwell pairs you with a certified trainer who understands perimenopause and creates a strength plan built around you.

Start your 14-day free trial.

// CONNECTION
Less Scrolling, More Connecting 💛

There's no doubt that today's marriages are affected by every type of screen, device and technology. There are a few positives sprinkled in there, but mostly, screen time is an enormous net negative on relational closeness and intimacy.

Couples are simply sliding into bad habits without thinking about it. And the consequences over time can be massive.

It's simply too easy to choose your screen over your spouse.
It's too easy to drift apart.
And our devices need to take a back seat, instead of our marriages.

Firstly, take a moment to pause & think about how technology is affecting you.

How much is this a problem in your marriage?

A study of 2000 married couples found that 37% said their spouse is often on a phone or screen when they want to talk or do something together. (Institute for Family Studies / Wheatley Institute, 2023)

You're not alone.

Take a moment right now to pause and think about it.

• Does tech significantly affect your connection, or is it just a minor concern?

• Do you choose screen time over time together every day or just occasionally?

• What are you picking up? Your phone? Tablet? Laptop? Xbox controller?

• Why? Is it to escape, work, rest, defrag or simply because you're bored, stressed or tired?

TIP: Use these as journaling prompts if you really want to unpack it further.

Why is tech such a dangerous problem?

Turning to tech instead of each other slowly erodes intimacy. It's like losing hundreds of micro-moments together over time. It's not obvious at first, but after a while, you start to feel distant from each other. Even lonely.

That sense of loneliness is the buildup of 1000 little moments of disconnection.

Ever got a text or notification while your spouse was sharing something with you? That look down, even just for a split second, sends a message of disinterest... even of disrespect.

Multiply small actions like that by 100 and you've got some bad habits that are repeatedly sending the signal to your spouse, "This is more important than you."

Poor use of tech might not send you to the brink of divorce, but it will certainly help lay the groundwork for disconnecting your hearts.

And every marriage crisis lands in that spot... disconnected hearts that don't want to do the work of reconnecting.

The uphill battle for deep, wonderful connection

The addition of dopamine-driven technology to romantic relationships has largely led to negative outcomes. And it's a slippery slope, too. Pick up your phone when you're tired, sit in your favourite chair, and you can lose a whole night to the small screen. Then, when you wander into the bedroom together, you feel a sense of guilt.

Why? Because you chose poorly. You chose isolation over connection. The screen over your spouse. While many couples have grace for each other for this because they themselves aren't immune, it's still a choice.

But here's the deal. It's not really your fault.

Every year, billions of dollars are poured into making phones and apps irresistible. Every swipe, sound, and notification is designed to release a hit of dopamine — the same chemical that fuels cravings. Add to that the habit-forming models that intentionally target our attention and build habit loops.

So no, it’s not your fault. You’ve been out-engineered.

But it is your responsibility to fight for what matters most: presence, attention, and connection.

The responsibility is on both of us

Healthy couples take joint responsibility for how technology affects their marriage.

This means they both:

• Seek to manage their devices/screen time so it doesn't snub the other and become a barrier to connecting or quality time together.

• Seek to communicate when the use of tech seems to be getting in the way of their closeness or when they are feeling lonely or disrespected.

This means doing the personal work to become the boss of your device and time in front of screens. It might include:

• Setting screen limits on devices or adding notifications after a certain time period. e.g. a 30-minute limit on Clash of Clans or Pinterest

• Using a 3rd party app like Roots, ScreenZen or Stay Free to gain awareness of your usage and give you powerful tools to help limit time.

It also should include giving each other permission to share when things aren't going well. Here's 'How to have a hard conversation' and 'The anatomy of an argument' so you can prevent things from going south.

The hard conversation that turns it around

Addressing technology issues in relationships is a bit like poking a bear with a short, pointy stick. You're unlikely to get a pleasant response!

We all get defensive at times, especially when we know it's a personal issue. Most of us lack the self-control needed to be the boss of our devices so, when the concern is raised we are already sensitive.

Hence, the reflective moment at the top of this article. When you know that you're BOTH partly to blame, you can come in with humility rather than start a fight.

Your opener should be soft, kind and even include a personal admission of guilt. "Hey babe, I know we've been on our screens a lot lately but I'm starting to feel really disconnected from you. It would be so good if we could make a plan to get closer and work on our intimacy."

1. Talk about why you use your devices. Is it to escape, recharge, zone out, or connect?

2. Share honestly how it impacts your closeness and emotional availability.

3. Agree on new rules of engagement. How should you respond if the other person wants your attention mid-scroll?

4. Create tech-free boundaries. Maybe it’s no phones after 9PM, or a screen-free date night each week.

The way back to intimacy

The goal should be to manage IT so we can prioritise US.

After you've worked through the 4 items in the conversation guide above begin to define what you want for your relationship again.

When do you feel most connected to each other? What was a time when you felt close? How do you want to feel on a daily basis in your marriage? What does connection feel like to you?

You're defining the vision again. Clarifying what you want and realising how technology doesn't help you get there.

Finally, here are a few best practices 📱:

• Put your phone down when your spouse walks towards you, starts a conversation, or enters the room.

• Communicate if you can't do this. "Sorry, babe, I'm just in a game/ finishing this post, watching this amazing panda bear, I'll be one sec."

• Don't engage with notifications in conversation. This includes your watch, phone, texts, calls, etc. Bonus points if you don't lose eye contact when one comes in and you totally ignore it!

• Never allow a device to interrupt an important conversation.

• Always give your spouse permission to let you know if your screen use is affecting them.

// TRY THIS
One Slow Night-In this week

We talked about a tech-free night in this section last month. This month, try a slow night together. Yep, it’ll be much better tech-free too. The goal? No agenda, no rush, just unhurried conversation and being present with each other.

Treat it like a date night at home. Make it a bit special too. Grab some takeout or some nice wine and hole up on the couch together and be in the moment.

// CONNECTION
Date Night Questions - A Deeper Check-In

• What’s been weighing on your mind lately?

• Is there anything I can do to relieve some pressure?

• What helps you truly rest?

• What's one thing you'd change immediately if you could just snap your fingers?

• What's one dream you have that you've never told me about?

• What's one thing we need to work on most in our relationship?

• What do I do best that tells you "I love you"?

// AFFILIATE LINK

Want to start an email newsletter like this? I’ve been loving Beehiiv for over 12 months now. Use this link and you’ll get a 30-day free trial plus 20% off for 3 months. The free plan is also brilliant and is packed with features.