The #1 Habit Happy Couples Do in Every Season

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The #1 Habit Happy Couples Do in Every Season

Life comes at you fast sometimes. But, at other times, it's the mundane that gets us.

We've been in a pretty hectic season since early September. We had a week off together during the school holidays but it went so fast!

As I write this month's email I'm sitting at home, off sick, with some kind of flu. Not fun! But the last 3 months remind me of a super important principle of marriage.

The most powerful thing you can do for your marriage is continually reprioritise it.

It doesn't take much to knock us off-centre.

One of us gets sick (check), we go through a busy season of work (check), the kid's activities ramp up towards the end of the year, our ageing parents require more attention and care, the side hustle needs more attention, we're doing more overtime to save for Christmas...

See what I mean? And all these things are fine and normal but they pull our hearts and lives in different directions.

And the result? Disconnected hearts. That might not sound that bad until you realise that's the place where all divorces begin. With hearts that are disconnected. So much so that it's become normalised. And the couple doesn't have the tools or the motivation to reconnect their hearts back again.

So let's talk about this powerful gift you can give your marriage. Continual reprioritising.

This has been in my head for over a year now. Hopefully, my little Canva diagrams are helpful!

In the first diagram, we have 2 people (represented by the hands). This is a pretty normal marriage when we start out. We're going in the same direction. There's a sense of togetherness and closeness.

But, in #2 we begin to feel the effects of the world around us. There’s work, kids, chores, catching up with family and friends, side hustles, social media... the list goes on. So many things seem to be pulling at us. As a result, our hearts drift from one another as we deal with everything going on, simply because we're human. And it could be a concoction of many things including the crazy, busy or mundane parts of life or through hurt, tiredness and distraction.

So many things vie for our attention, our energy, our money and our time. And what often happens is that our marriage takes a back seat. The relationship we vowed to protect, enjoy, prioritise and invest in goes down the ranks so we can get through whatever thing we're dealing with.

But, if we aren't careful our hearts and lives begin to move in different directions from one another (see #3 above). We begin to feel disconnected and lonely. What was our shared direction has now become two. We are no longer moving as one and the gap widens the longer it is left unaddressed.

If nothing changes, disconnection becomes the norm. We're not sure how to get back to how things were. We try little bids here and there and large romantic gestures to prove our love and faithfulness but they fall short. Our hearts are in two different places.

But... there is a way back!

By truly reprioritising your marriage and making it the most important thing in your lives you can begin to connect your hearts back again.

The Gottmans refer to Turning Towards each other. This is powerful but I think what's more important is that we have lives that have turned towards each other like in #4 above.

Then, no matter what pulls at us, we are always moving towards each other. Even the hardest seasons of our lives can't truly separate us because we are devoted to each other and to the continual work of reprioritising.

When we regularly reprioritise each other we can overcome anything together.

And that's powerful. Because whenever we recognise that life is pulling and we’re feeling disconnected, we talk about it and course correct.

So how do we do this?

1. Talk about it - identify the disconnection and discuss it. How will we truly prioritise each other in this season? (see date night questions below)

2. Prioritise time together and give one another your full attention - debrief the day, chat on the lounge, walk and talk, and spend more time together in the same room. Don’t miss these cues!

3. Reintroduce fun and escape - Do a weekly date night, take the weekend away, try something new (yoga, aqua golf, table tennis... whatever!). Just get the fun and enjoyment happening again.

4. Teamwork - Ensure you're both contributing to the household. Talk about how to do it better. When we feel unsupported we are less likely to want to connect or be close!

For further reading check out the following articles on the blog:

• The Danger of Not Prioritising Your Marriage

• The Date Night Plan

// TRY THIS
Three New Things to Try

1. Eight Dates - book by the Gottmans. An insightful look at 8 elements of marriage to talk about and get right and a pathway to do it. Date nights!

2. New sex position - download the Ultimate Intimacy app and scroll through the positions together. Pick one you’d like to try when things get spicy 🌶️

3. Talk about Christmas EARLY! - I know, it’s November 1st. But instead of succumbing to the craziness of the season and leaving your crucial family logistics and schedule discussions until it’s too late, have them too early!

// DATE NIGHTS
Date Night Questions

• How well do we prioritise each other and our relationship?

• How quickly do we reconnect after life happens to us?

• What are some of the forces that pull us away from one another?

• What can we do to connect every single day?

• What can we do to course-correct when we're disconnected?

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