How’s it going?! We got back early Feb from our HUGE family holiday to Vietnam and gosh it was awesome. But the reentry was real!
Here’s something fresh we’ve been working on since. Because husbands that go quiet are sometimes very hard to engage with in a meaningful, emotional way. Conflict goes nowhere and there’s little resolution or closeness. His hard shell seems impenetrable.
But there is a way to reconnect with him. To open him back up and find the closeness you’re seeking again. We think today’s post is really going to help.
Ok, grab your spouse, get comfy and let's go.
// UNITY
The 7 Reasons Husbands Stop Talking (and it's not what you think)
If your husband has stopped talking to you, he’s probably not actually ignoring you. He’s protecting himself. Men don't usually shut down overnight unless there's been a huge conflict between you, it got ugly and is still unresolved.
They usually shut down because of fear. And if you want to bridge the gap and really reconnect, you have to understand the "why" behind his silence. Here are 7 reasons why he might be doing this:
Why men stop talking
Fear of being wrong again - It seems inevitable that he's the one who's in the wrong again. Better to be silent and ignore the issue than be wrong again and feel hopeless. I've felt like this so many times... why even bring up the issue if it's going to be me who's in the wrong anyway?
He'll have to work on himself - When it always feels like his fault or his issue to fix, he will be silent because any discussion implies he has to change. He needs to do better or be different, and he often doesn't know what that means or how to do it.
Old mindsets die hard. He may have been conditioned to believe that talking about feelings is weak. And any engagement he's had has been ridiculed, laughed at or brushed off. He might be an emotional infant, too, so expressing his feelings feels awkward. Not everyone is an emotional adult! He might view his role as a provider of finances rather than feelings.
Fear of change in the relationship or family dynamics - He may prefer to keep things how they are because he knows what to expect. If things change, what will they look like? Will the expectations on him shift again? Silence means tension but also maintains the status quo.
Analysis Paralysis. - Men love to be "fixers." So if he hasn’t "solved" the problem in his head yet, he might not want to present an incomplete thought. He’s not being distant; he’s still trying to find a solution.
Flooding - This is physiological. When a man feels overwhelmed by emotion or criticism, his nervous system enters "fight or flight." His heart rate spikes, and his brain can literally shut down its communication centre. He isn't ignoring you; his system has hit the Emergency Stop button to keep from exploding.
Unfair advantage - She seems so emotionally articulate and he can't find the language to express himself properly. She gets impatient. He gets quiet so he doesn't say anything he'll regret or lose the argument or hurt her even more.
How to help him open up again
The main goals here are to create safety, be curious and extend grace. Eventually, with conversation, effort, time, and maybe even an apology, he'll start sharing deeply with you again.
Create safety
He's unlikely to open up the way you want him to if he doesn't feel safe to share. Any sense that it's all going downhill anyway, or he's going to be the bad guy, and he'll stay closed like a fortress. He needs to feel that opening up is safe.
Vulnerability is essentially giving the other person the opportunity to hurt you. So if it feels, even remotely, like that's a possibility, vulnerability goes out the door.
Be curious
Curiosity is seriously underrated. It's what can take a surface-level comment about some near-meaningless thing in your day to a deeper, fulfilling, connected conversation.
All it takes is intention and effort. Ask the next question. Be interested in THEM.
Extend grace
You might be frustrated, at your wits' end and ready to scream... but that probably wont help! Grace is needed here. Give him time. We all know what it's like when the pressure is on to be or act a certain way when we're not ready.
Extend grace, wait with patience and maintain love.
The Nitty Gritty
Value his small talk - If you won't listen to the subjects you aren't interested in (like his work, hobbies, or sports), he’ll eventually stop talking about the things you do want to hear. Ask questions, be interested.
Don't brush him off or shut him down - whenever he shares something, listen. Listen to understand. If you are dismissive, uninterested or rude he'll retreat again.
Don't listen in a disingenuous way... be curious. So what if it's boring talk about cars or basketball. So what if it's not what you're interested in. It's his life. Enjoy him. Lean in. Ask questions. Get to know him.
Try talking side by side, not face to face. Do a task together like washing up or go for a walk and talk. This helps remove the intensity of having a conversation so directly. Men bond side by side and often find the face-to-face confronting.
Take a 24-hour break. "Let's talk about this tomorrow, maybe, so you have more time to think. Would that help?"
Consider your tone. A sharp, critical or angry tone makes it feel like he's being attacked. That's a quick way to get him to shut down or fire up.
At the end of the day, remember that your spouse isn't the enemy... the silence is. And once you shift the focus to fighting for each other instead of against each other, the depth of connection and intimacy will slowly return..
// TRY THIS
Try This - An After-Dinner Walk & Talk
Go for a walk and talk several times in the next week. Ask questions, get curious, and find out something new about your spouse or something they're interested in. Leave your phones at home.
Make it at least 20 minutes each time. Let the conversation roll... but be intentional. Don't feel you have to fill in any lulls in conversation. Just enjoy being together.
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// DATE NIGHT
Date Night Questions - Deeper discussions
What’s a hobby or a work thing you’re into right now that you wish I asked more about?
When you get quiet during a tough talk, do you usually just need more time to think, or are you feeling overwhelmed and need a break?
How can I make it feel safer for you to share your thoughts, even if they aren't fully "figured out" yet?
How can we change our arguments so it feels like "us against the problem" instead of "you against me"?
What’s one thing I do that makes you feel most heard and understood?
Is there something you’ve wanted to tell me lately but felt like it wasn't the "right time" or that I wouldn't be interested?
// AFFILIATE LINK
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// MORE RESOURCES
How do you feel about your relationship?
We feel like roommates - From House Mates to Soul Mates
I feel like we’re slowly drifting apart - How to Stop Drifting Apart
We’re going through a very tough season - Weathering a Perfect Storm
We fight about housework - The Housework Problem SOLVED
We don’t know how to talk about sex - Six Types of Sex, How To Talk About Sex With Your Spouse
I feel like I’m doing all the work - When Your Marriage Feels One-Sided
Until next month, stay close!
Darren & Beck Chapman
[email protected]
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