The Anatomy of an Argument

// UNITY
The Anatomy of an Argument

Ever found yourself in a fight and wondered how the heck you got there? Or maybe the fight ended and you’re sitting by yourself in the aftermath scratching your head because now it all seems worse than before?

Understanding how conflict works and the impact of our choices along the way can help. There are 3 main stages of an argument: Disunity, Conversation and Conflict and how we go about them can determine the outcome and whether or not we are closer or further apart.

Stage 1 - Disunity

You haven’t said anything yet, but you’re aware there’s a problem. You’re not on the same page about something. If you don’t talk about it and deal with it it’s not going to get better by itself. You have a decision to make. Do you share it or keep it to yourself?

Bringing it up might disrupt the peace, but here’s the thing… not bringing it up undermines your peace anyway.

REMINDER - The goal is not zero conflict. The goal is healthy conflict which brings us closer.

In the Disunity stage, you must make a decision. Hold onto it and have false peace, start a conversation or erupt into a conflict.

False Peace - We unpacked this in last month’s email so we wont dive in too far here. The first option is to sweep it under the rug. Don’t bring it up. Don’t rock the boat. But this doesn’t fix the problem. This is only elevating “PEACE” above INTIMACY. But the point isn’t to have peace at all costs… it’s to have intimacy. So we should talk about the thing.

And the best way to do that is to start a conversation.

Stage 2 - Conversations

The best way to get on the same page is through a calm, loving, connected conversation. This is why connection is important. Connection is like oil. It makes hard conversations easier. If the connection is not there and you come in all guns blazing you’re not starting a conversation, you’re starting a fight.

There are 2 big keys to starting a calm, loving, connected conversation: timing and approach.

• Pick a good time – maybe in the middle of dinner prep isn’t the perfect time for him/her. Pick your timing. Schedule it. Maybe it can wait a couple of days. Not everything is urgent and requires immediate and total resolution. Maybe just keep loving them until you’ve got the time and headspace for a conversation.

• Start with a kind opener like, ‘In the interest of open communication…’ This creates immediate depth and importance of the conversation because you’re being vulnerable. This is our code phrase. Feel free to use it!

• Listen to understand not just interject. Active listening means I’m listening TO THEM and trying to understand what they mean, instead of listening to MYSELF internally rebut everything thy’re saying. Ask questions, repeat back for clarification…

• Remember the goals of agreement and understanding. The goal is not to be right, the goal is to be together.

• Be flexible and be willing to meet somewhere in the middle. Flexibility and compromise are acts of love. We adapt and change how we do things for the sake of unity and togetherness.

• Know your processing styles (internal and external) - this was an early game-changer for us. Learn more here.

If you do the conversation well you might be able to skip the conflict. But sometimes conflict is inevitable.

Stage 3 - Conflict

Conflict happens when an issue escalates. Often this means we get a bit angry or frustrated, more emotional, the conversation has hit a nerve or we have grown more passionate about the result.

Either way, it’s getting heated. The conversation is escalating and now conflict is inevitable. We shouldn’t avoid it (leads to false peace) but we should learn how to navigate it well so we can get to our destination together and with the issue resolved and our relationship closer than before.

How we navigate this escalation determines how it ends.

• Healthy conflict brings resolution to the issue and deeper connection and intimacy.

• Unhealthy conflict leaves you with 2 problems. The original problem you were disagreeing about… and a new problem in your relationship.

Here are the 3 general outcomes:

1. Hurt and alienation

2. Domination and/or surrender

3. Resolution and closeness

Hurt and Alienation - It didn’t go well. Words were said. Tone was used. You both felt misunderstood or blindsided. And now you’re feeling more distant than before it all happened. Sometimes it takes more than one or 10 conversations to resolve a big issue. That’s ok. Don’t give up. When this happens:

• The original problem isn’t resolved and you might feel further away from a solution. That’s happened to us many, many times. And still does sometimes.

• Now you also have a rupture in your relationship that needs repair. This is the 2nd problem. One or both of you are hurting, even more than before and you may have said things you regret. Come back together after you cool down and apologise, forgive and reconnect.

Dominion and/or Surrender - This is where either one person dominates the other into submission or one person gives in to keep the ‘peace’ or keep them happy. But:

• It’s not a healthy compromise out of love it’s a surrender out of fear.

• It’s not unity or teamwork. It’s capitulation.

• There’s a power imbalance in the relationship and you’re not equals.

• Intimacy is damaged and unity is not achieved.

Resolution and Closeness - If you’re going to avoid these 2 terrible outcomes, resolve the conflict and get closer there are 2 big keys to consider: curiosity and kindness.

1. Curiosity

Stay curious even during conflict. That means you both recognise:

• Both of us want things and need things here and we are equals.

• We genuinely want to understand each other better.

• We want to serve and love each other well.

• It’s not me vs you, it’s us, together, vs the problem.

• We both have strengths to help us navigate this together.

• We may be learning things about ourselves in the middle of this conflict.

• We might even be wrong!

• And we might do something wrong too and say things out of frustration or pain or fear and that’s ok.

2. Kindness

This means we keep valuing and loving the person even while we’re processing, talking and working things out. Even when it’s hard. Even when there’s emotions and hurt and misunderstandings.

We don’t always get it right every time but this is a skill you can develop.

So, above is the process in full. You can see the ideal path across the top and the other outcomes that can happen too.

Thanks for reading, we hope that helped you understand conflict better.

We’d love to hear from you! What was the most important part of this for you? What did you discover? What change will be the most helpful for your marriage? Reply to this email or hit the button below.

// TRY THIS
Organise a date to talk about conflict

There’s a saying. Couples who talk about x have better x. And it’s true. Couples who talk about sex have better sex. And couples to talk about conflict (not during a conflict) have better and healthier conflict. Which means they’re more likely to become closer through conflict.

So, organise a date to talk about how you do conflict and how you can improve. Start by reading the deep dive above. Learn how arguments work. Forward it to your spouse if they don’t get the emails.

Then, take the date night questions below on your date and let the conversation roll. The goal here is to understand your spouse better so you can improve how you navigate conflict together.

// DATE NIGHTS
Date Night Questions

• What do we already do well when it comes to conflict?

• What are our fight styles? Do we fight, flight, fawn or freeze?

• What is the best way for us to start a kind, loving, connected conversation about a problem?

• How can we stay kind and curious even during conflict?

• What is one thing you need me to work on to help you feel safe and secure in a fight?

• What part of the Anatomy of an Argument helped you the most? Why?

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