// RELATIONSHIP
The Surprising Power of Gratefulness in Your Marriage

Emilie and Jonno have been married for 6 years. They are planning a family in the next year and have recently found themselves in a bit of a rut. Jonno's construction work has ramped up, and he's exhausted every night when he gets home. He's become slack when it comes to engaging with Emilie and the housework.

After a month or so, Emilie is frustrated. She's taking on more of the household chores and taking the initiative to engage with Jonno, who spends more time on his phone than usual and keeps saying how "wiped out" he is.

Adding to her frustration is her friend Casey, who has been bragging about how much her husband does for them and their newborn. Casey says they're in such a 'love bubble' at the moment; it's bliss!

Emilie has a choice. She can keep her frustrations to herself and slowly become bitter, more annoyed and disconnected. Or she can voice her concerns and try to work as a team with Jonno to improve their situation.

But there's another behind-the-scenes option that has the power to make a remarkable difference in her mind and heart.

Gratefulness.

1. Gratefulness defuses 2 big enemies of satisfaction in marriage - Comparison and Frustration

Comparison takes an outside example and measures it against your spouse or marriage. Frustration takes an inside example and measures it against your expectations.

Emilie's friend Casey provided her with an outside example: her amazing husband, who is currently 'perfect,' gave Emilie the opportunity to measure him against Jonno.

Emilie already had an inside example in that Jonno isn't meeting her expectations of what a good husband does.

Gratefulness can help us in the middle of both of these problems.

Comparison is like a bear trap we are choosing to step into—and it can be hard to escape from! Opportunities to compare are everywhere. See my previous post on comparison here. 

The more you compare, the worse it gets.  Your view of your spouse depreciates, and you might even imagine things that aren't true.  They aren't trying. I could do better. This isn't working. This might never work.

Constant comparison is dangerous to the future of your intimacy and your relationship.

2. Gratefulness is the antidote to comparison

Gratefulness is the hack you need.  It's the antidote to comparison. We must learn to truly appreciate what our spouse actually does do instead of focusing on what they don't. Then, be thankful instead.

Here's what being grateful does in the moment.  It helps you switch gears in your mind from everything you're NOT receiving or experiencing to everything you ARE.  It's a game-changing mind shift.  It's a necessary brain pathway you need to create if it's not already there.

And next time you're tempted to compare your spouse to someone else, it's your reminder to be grateful for them instead.

3. How does it work in real-time?

You are tempted to compare.  A gorgeous hunk of a man walks past, or a woman who has been really kind and generous to you lately walks into your office. You have the opportunity to compare them with your spouse.  You begin to think of things they offer that your spouse doesn't.

But... you decide to switch gears.

Instead of thinking about how your spouse doesn't meet their level, you choose to think about something you really appreciate about your spouse.  Something that person probably doesn't have.

Consider the life you've already created with them. Remember the fun you've had, the great laughs, the amazing sex, the little things they do that make you feel happy and blessed. 

What is the one thing you are most grateful for? Remember that.

4. Frustration is comparing to what was

This is very similar to when you're frustrated with them about something. Frustration is simply comparing things to how they used to be or to your expectations.

When you are frustrated, unhappy, disconnected and finding it hard to be grateful for anything, you absolutely must talk to your spouse about it.  Check out my post here on how to have a serious talk.  I also unpack this much more in my book.

Appreciation is the antidote to comparison and a mind shift when you're frustrated.

Enough gratefulness and you won't feel the need to compare.

If you are grateful enough, you'll have a storehouse of things you're thankful for—no one else can measure up!

Choose to be grateful. It works.

// TRY THIS
Gratefulness Practice

Try this 5-minute gratefulness practice (like, really try it!) and make sure you include your spouse each time. Do it every day for 7 days and monitor how it impacts your relationship and how you view your spouse.

1. Pause for a moment and just breathe.

2. Reflect on 3 things you are grateful for. Include your spouse and try to include something that happened in the last 24 hours.

3. Write a sentence in your journal of why you’re grateful for each one.

4. Feel it. Enjoy what it feels like.

5. (BONUS) Send your spouse a little thank you via text or sticky note.

// GRATITUDE DATE NIGHT
Date Night Questions

• What are five things we are most grateful for about each other right now?

• Pick the one you loved the most and ask your spouse to elaborate.

• What is it about that thing that makes you so grateful?

• Does it fulfil a need, satisfy a longing, fulfil a preference or something else?

• How do you think gratefulness helps us with comparison and frustration?

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