Why we tried Valentine's Day again after 15+ years

INTIMACY & CLOSENESS
Why we tried Valentine's Day again after 15+ years… and our framework for intimacy.

When we first got together 28 years ago, Valentine's Day wasn't a thing in Australia. It was everywhere in America but it seemed over-commercialised and just an excuse for retailers to pressure husbands to buy more stuff. Then it eventually came to Australia and my perspective didn't change much. We participated a few times in the early years of our marriage. A gift here, a card there. But we agreed that we didn't need it and we stopped doing anything. 

Neither of us felt sad about it. At all. Beck and I were discussing it last night. It truly wasn't a thing. 

A few days ago I saw a post encouraging people like us to celebrate Valentine's Day again. (Click to go to the original post on X).

So... we did it. And it was lovely. I took Beck to a nice hidden bar in Newcastle where we live and we exchanged cards. Simple. Lovely. A bit extra of course. 

But the biggest reason for not celebrating Valentine’s Day? We've never felt the need. We prioritise our connection every day. We're on the same page with everything that matters to us and we're going in the same direction. 

And when any of these things are out of whack, we do the work to reconnect and realign. Which can be often!

That takes me to my framework for intimacy. Those 3 things I mentioned above (connection, same page, same direction) became the way we saw our marriage.

In 2021 I released my first book called The Happy Marriage. It's available in online bookstores like Amazon, Kindle, and Audible and in it, I unpack my framework for intimacy in marriage. I think it's a helpful way to see your marriage. Here it is below.

A framework for intimacy

Ok, so we have a very sexy Venn diagram here. 3 interconnecting circles with intimacy in the middle and that’s what we want for our marriages… we want intimacy in all forms. Here’s the thing… when you have these 3 things working well, intimacy comes naturally.

And by intimacy, I'm referring to several types but primarily emotional intimacy as that's the foundation for all the others (physical, intellectual, spiritual, financial & recreational).

Connection – How connected do we feel?  How much laughter is happening? How much do you enjoy each other? Is your time together quality or all focused around activity or screens? Do you prioritise connecting every day or are you always passing each other on the way to the next thing?

Unity – Are we on the same page with everything that matters to us both?  If we are in unity, we’re together on things that are important to us. Things like housework, the in-laws, parenting, sex, money and our calling in life.  Unity builds on connection and enables us to land on the same page with all the big topics.

Vision – We want to go in the same direction long term. We want to talk about the future and have our shared dreams that we are moving forward towards… together. Personal dreams and goals are important too.

This is how we create long-lasting intimacy.  We are always working in our circles and asking questions that help us connect, unify and align with each other.

That's why we've never seen Valentine's Day as important really. We feel close, most of the time, because we’re intentional about those 3 things. And when we don't feel close, we work to get back there. Sometimes that takes a while. Sometimes that means going through long, annoying seasons of growth and healing together. But that's all part of the beautiful journey of marriage for you.

Maybe, from now we'll take the February opportunity to celebrate our love regardless 🙂 

Love from Darren & Beck Chapman

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DATE NIGHTS
Date Night Questions

• How connected are we at the moment?

• What can we do about it?

• What’s one thing I’ve done recently that’s made you feel loved?

• What have I done that’s made you feel unloved?