// CONNECTION
Why So Many Couples Settle for a 6/10 Marriage

A good friend of mine from Perth, Jason, recently told me that most couples accept their relationship will stay at a 5 or 6 out of 10. People think it’ll take a lot of effort to get it to a 7 or 8. But then it also doesn't take much for it to slip into a 2-3.

This is so true. However, the misconception is that the work will all be challenging. Often, the work is simply about being intentional and putting your phone, work laptop, or gaming controller away so you can actually connect.

This category is what I'd define as a ‘good enough’ marriage. It’s not horrible like some of the other couples they know. It’s not doom and gloom. They get through. They are fine most of the time. Even happy sometimes. And the hard days do seem better with each other for support.

I’m just not sure I’d be happy with a good enough marriage. Are you?

Settling for an average marriage is common, but it's counterintuitive. A good life flows from a healthy marriage, not the other way around. Get the foundation right, and everything else falls into place much better. Sure, marriage is easier when the stressors of life are minimised. But everything is easier when the marriage is strong.

We live OUT of our marriage. The strength of the marriage flows into everything. Or the weakness of the marriage adds a drain on everything. It's like a healthy, close marriage is like some rocket fuel in your day-to-day tank. There's a bit more spring in your step, confidence in your work, joy in the tank. A disconnected, hurting marriage is like carrying a weighted backpack through life. Everything's a bit heavier, requires a bit more effort and energy. The marriage either strengthens or saps. Boosts or deflates.

A good marriage doesn't come as a result of having lots of money or the kids being well-behaved. A strong marriage flows from closeness and intimacy, as well as relentless support, undergirded by commitment and consistency in repair for any ruptures that may occur. Then that strength flows into all other areas of life: family and parenting, business and work, finances, stress, career, calling —all of it.

Too often, we focus on peripheral or secondary things instead of the marriage itself. We put more energy into kids, money, career, chores or whatever as a way to alleviate the pressure, so life feels good, happier, and more at peace.

It’s as if we are fixated on the lawn, the trees, the plants and flower beds, the beauty of the outdoor entertaining area, the clean, gorgeous BBQ and the irrigation system, but the house is neglected. We’re investing in all the other connected things, but the main thing is just okay, maybe a little run-down, but it’s fine, so we’ll leave it at that. It’s good enough.

Right now, my backyard is exactly that. Good enough. The lawn guy comes once a fortnight and does his thing. One of my twins cleans up the dog poop at a frequency that, well, if I don’t have to do it, that’s a good thing. The verandah tiles I scraped off years ago, thinking we’d be getting a deck installed anytime now, are mostly gone…. Just a bit left on top so you don’t fully sprain your ankle when you’re going out to hang the washing on the line (which probably needs replacing too). But it’s good enough. It’s functional, but that’s about it. It’s definitely not beautiful or ideal. And it’s a far cry from the deck we wanted so badly. But we’ve managed to keep it functional with minimal maintenance… and that’s the problem with many marriages.

So many marriages are functional but not fulfilling. They’re good enough, not satisfyingly good. They're acceptable, and they’re not screaming at us like a 7-month-old baby with the first tooth pushing through. It requires minimal maintenance, so in our tired, burdened, distracted, emotionally drained state, it’ll do.

It’ll do.

Marriages that are fulfilling, fruitful and fun reject that notion.

Good-enough marriages don't invest in the relationship as much as it needs. We don't water it, feed it, or nurture it enough. It becomes the pot plant we're no longer sure what to do with. (We have several of these!)  And so we feed the things around it, hoping that the marriage will benefit in some way as well. And, of course, in lesser ways, it does. But it’s still upside down. A back-to-front approach.

Fitness guru Dan Go recently said on Twitter, “We all want the fountain of youth, but no one is prepared to drink 4L of water per day.” We’ll buy hundreds of dollars' worth of makeup, get implants, fillers and do 10-step skincare routines, but we’re probably chronically dehydrated in the first place.

This is a good-enough marriage. It's dehydrated from a lack of watering. So we’ll get the makeup out (social media), the implants (a nice house) and do the skin care routines (play happy families when you’re out and about) but no one wants to do the work of truly, deeply connecting regularly enough that makes a compounding difference to your marriage and overflows into the rest of your life.

We don't want to do the work. We don't want to sit down and work out why we feel so disconnected, change our habits, or change ourselves so that we can resolve the problem and feel close again. We don't want to do the work of finding out what's wrong, apologising, moving in true forgiveness and fixing our behaviour.

And yet this work is what elevates a marriage from a 5 or 6 into a 7-9. A marriage that is a source of strength to everything you do. A marriage you're very happy to come home to. A marriage you're happy to cancel plans to spend more time in.

Are you satisfied with a good enough marriage?

We're not.

// TRY THIS
The Connect-First Ritual

Pick a moment in your day where you usually default to logistics or multitasking (e.g. when you both get home or finish work).

For the next 3 days, before doing anything else, take at least 60 seconds to hug, greet each other warmly, or say something kind. If you have time, check in. “How was your day, babe?”

Make connection the first priority, not the leftovers.

// INTENTIONAL INVESTMENT
Date Night Questions

• How are we going? How’s our marriage right now? Why?

• What’s one thing we used to do that made us feel more connected, that we could bring back this week?

• What does a really good marriage look like to you?

• Do we get lost in the peripheral things and forget about each other too much?

• What would it take us to go from where we are to where we want to be?

// AFFILIATE LINK

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